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You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. (Mac Intosh Plus with Mac Intalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. (With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I call you soon. (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump? If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! All I can say is leave me a My time is billed at 5 per hour. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only

Then in 1960, the Ansafone, created by inventor Dr.You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" Hello. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (or) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. Want to hear how vulnerable your answering machine or voicemail is to being hacked? If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up.All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back. [Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner.

.95 per minute! If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. 02/14/05 - Lady_Joka from Mexico: HOLLA AT YOUR MAMI SEXY CHICOS CHAO BESOS 02/10/05 - crystal from canada: this site truly does suck balls 02/08/05 - me from your pants: ...head(s) 02/08/05 - sam gomez from 5097605497: cool 02/06/05 - david from new york: hello, a watsup, hold a sec ,______ you have a phone call (in the backround )tell him to call me back, hello, ye he cant speak to you bye (click) 02/03/05 - Pink Condomz from Midwest: you've reached _______ but this is her boyfriend _________ if you are a guy you may want to hang up now if you hear sirens in 5 minutes u probably should run.. 01/31/05 - Ben Dover from walla walla washington: Hi im not here right now, i mean im here now but imrecording so i might not be here later, i mean now but later, like after i record the message, i mean im recording the message now but after its recorded you might call, i mean if your calling now then i already recorded the...beep! TO LEAVE A MESSAGE 01/17/05 - BRITT from i don't know??? 01/16/05 - Mandi from UR House: Hey, You've reached Victoria Secret's Thong Salon.He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. Please begin your message with your Master Card or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Please leave your credit card number at the tone... Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. 01/31/05 - budda from too stoned, AZ: hey, like leave a message, or something, or don't , i don't care. No one is avaliable to take your call, so leave a message, don't make it long, and we'll call you back when you buy a thong! This is an asnwering machine message so leave your message after the tone!!! (pause) i'm not here right now so leave a message and i'll call you back! ) 12/07/04 - miki from : hi, uh, well, um, (stammers) I-i'm ______, and ,er, this is the answering m-machine your t-talking t-to so um, ya? 11/17/04 - the zanie gurl from Alaska: Hello, I am not able to come to the phone right now...well, actually, I'm at the phone....recording this message.you're hearing it later..I can't be there..I am here now..gosh, this is so confusing...

Then in 1960, the Ansafone, created by inventor Dr.You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone" Hello. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you! (or) (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. Want to hear how vulnerable your answering machine or voicemail is to being hacked? If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back. (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up.All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message. (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. (US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back. [Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the executioner.

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